Why people alienate themselves

Their life is on an even keel. There is no discrepancy. More highly developed people often do not realize their potential, they do not fulfill their inherent possibilities. Because they are further up on the scale, they could do much more. Yet they overemphasize parts of their being which are already developed, which do not need development at this point, while a neglected area of their being remains static.

There is no change because they do not will it so. They concentrate on what they enjoy because it is already free, while what requires work lies barren. It is not only the discrepancy as such that causes the disharmony, but the fact that they have the ability to accomplish more. They could bring to life what lies dead and static. This factor is an essential part of the human struggle. If you find growth and change pleasurable because of past development that has already freed you of shackles in one area, you are in constant flux.

At the same time your resistance to change and growth where the hard work of facing and initiating change still has to take place causes you to remain frozen and rigid in another part of your personality. This lopsidedness is more painful to endure than if the entire personality were still asleep, so to speak.

The only solution to reach harmony again is by fuller and fuller awareness of reality, growth, change, on all levels of your being. So do not say change is impossible. It is the only thing that is possible, I might say.

Change is the only organic, natural process of creation, and therefore it is also within you. If you work properly on this path, you constantly thaw out the substance in your soul that was heretofore frozen. You put it into motion and thus enable it to grow, so that eventually a real and noticeable change occurs.

Let me say one more thing about the real self, a further hint as to how to find it. I want to show you a certain rhythm of development in a specific phase which is appropriate at this time, because many of you, my friends, either are already in this phase or are about to approach it. We recently discussed your needs.

To begin with, you are not even aware of any particular needs. Of course, in theory you know that everyone has needs, physical and otherwise, but you do not feel any specific emotional needs.

This unawareness does not apply only to a person who just begins such a path. Even after you have already progressed considerably in other ways, you may still be unaware of what you need. Becoming aware of your needs even superficially requires focused attention, considerable self-honesty, and much digging on your part.

If you were related to your real self, if you were in contact with its reality, you would be in absolute awareness of your real needs, whether or not they are fulfilled. As you thus proceed, you become aware of your real needs. The real needs can also be subdivided. First, you will become aware of the need to receive, be it love, understanding, closeness to others or creative fulfillment. You strive for all this through an act of receiving. In your emotional awareness it seems to you that you need someone or something that makes it possible for you to fulfill these needs by something, however subtle, that is given to you.

All the needs I just cited can be real or false; you know that. And then you will become aware of the need to give. You may need to give what you need to receive, but the emphasis in your emotions changes.

The need to give love, rather than to receive it, enters more into your consciousness. The need to relate to and to understand others, rather than being understood by them, becomes clearer. In this respect too, you may find no outlet. You are dependent on finding the subject and as long as you do not, your needs remain unfulfilled.

The only difference between now and before is that now you are acutely aware of the needs and the unfulfillment, while before you were befogged and hazy, experiencing the unfulfillment in an indirect way.

The stringent awareness of unfulfillment may, in fact, have entirely different roots than the unfulfillment of the real needs, for the latter will never create anxiety and urgency. Only real needs shifted into false ones have that power. Thus being aware of your real needs, long before you can possibly fulfill them and while you consciously experience unfulfillment, is bound to bring relief, harmony and peace, because you have entered a further stage of reality and truth.

You run away from awareness of your real needs not only because facing unfulfillment is painful, but more so because unfulfillment means proof of your inferiority. Once you have reached the strength, courage, humility, determination, and the reality to face your real needs — to receive and to give — and to stand the temporary frustration, you have reached a much greater area of your real self than you may think.

For this is your real self. Your problem of unfulfillment in itself recedes into the background in comparison with the strength you gain by finding your home. The stranger — your alienated self — finds home within the reality of the core of your being.

To reach this point you have to travel many byroads and detours, and once you have reached it, you will have to go through a period of emptiness, of awareness of your unfulfilled need and longing. But as you look at the unfulfillment and bear it, not in false humility and weakness, but in the strength of being able to endure it as long as is required in consequence of the patterns you set in motion whose effects have not yet worn off — you will not suffer the agonies you suffered before such awareness.

The unfulfillment will not weaken you. On the contrary, through gaining deeper, fuller insight and thus coming closer to reality, you will slowly begin to cause different effects. The old negative effects do not dissolve immediately after you find the cause that produced them. It will take some time before new, constructive, positive causes can go into force and produce comparable effects. This does not happen overnight. After a certain period of conscious unfulfillment of real needs — as opposed to previous unconscious unfulfillment of real needs and conscious unfulfillment of false needs — while you search and learn and gain further hold of the reality of yourself, a period of partial fulfillment will occur.

There will be setbacks and occasional disappointments in which you have the opportunity to observe your inner relapse into the old patterns which might have occurred without your knowing it. Thus, these outer relapses and disappointments are a necessary period of strengthening the new way of life, so to speak.

At this point, you have discovered the way home. You have made some tentative steps toward it — and therefore occasionally reaped its fruits — but you are still not firmly planted in this new ground. You still fluctuate and move away from it, tempted by your old habits. In this alternation between fulfillment and unfulfillment, you have the opportunity to gain a firm hold on your home ground, if you wish to utilize this time in such a way. Thus you pave the way to set up an entirely new pattern, a new cause, in health, reality and productivity.

However, the effects will not manifest until the cause has ripened, so to speak. QUESTION: In disciplining yourself when you reach the point when you want to change a pattern because you have made certain recognitions, a battle begins. Now, I heard you say that in this stage you are not ready, but when are you going to discipline yourself?

What stands in the way of your understanding? There must be something in you that is not yet convinced, that still doubts that this is good or advantageous or safe or whatever.

There must be a part in you that still clings to the old destructive way, in spite of your seeing it also as destructive. Bring that to the surface, and then you can eliminate the error in this respect. Therefore, do not force yourself, or discipline yourself in your actions toward others, but rather use discipline in finding out more about yourself.

QUESTION: When you suffer grief, when you are separated from someone and you know this must be and you accept it, you still suffer deep pain, even more so when you are aware of your own feelings and you are aware of the depth of love you have — this is healthy, is it not?

It depends entirely on how it is felt. It may be something utterly healthy. But it may also contain certain unhealthy currents. This is very hard to determine in a general answer. It is completely individual. My advice is, in order to determine whether or not it is healthy, that the person ask where there may be feelings of helplessness, weakness, self-pity, of being subjected to the misery of life. If you feel impoverished, if your personality feels impoverished by such a separation, then there must be an unhealthy grief, perhaps in addition to healthy grief.

But if the loss is felt as painful without a feeling of self-impoverishment, then it is purely healthy. QUESTION: If a human being finds two conflicting currents within, if one recognizes the falsity of one current and then the second current kicks in, where does the discipline come in?

It may lead to repression, suppression, to a forceful, superimposed action that cannot be helpful to genuine growth. Your concentration and determination should go rather in the direction of further understanding of why this current exists. The outer answer may be quite obvious, and yet there must also be an inner answer having very little to do with the outer one. This current may be some sort of pseudo-protection.

It may fulfill a certain false need. Find this meaning, and you will know how to go on from there. The first answer you may find deep within may still not be the final answer.

Look only for further awareness here. Change may already have occurred in another area, but not in this respect. I repeat, such search constantly creates change in your emotional, mental, spiritual and even physical being because you face yourself in utter candor.

But this is the first type of change I discussed, and not the second which requires a more direct form of discipline. In the first stage discipline also must exist, but with emphasis on further self-facing, on giving account of what you really feel and why. Unknown to most people, situations like this puts a tremendous effect on people with mental illness. Their behaviour is evident of this; they will do what they can to avoid social situations, which they perceive as uncomfortable and likely to increase their anxiety or possibly their depression.

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy in action. Unless the person is relentless and not willing to just accept that as an answer, they could learn more about the issues the person is struggling with.

Additionally, this will bear reinforcement effect on the person suffering with anxiety and depression. They will feel that no one cares, and everyone seems to be accepting excuses and are not willing to try to help them. This can potentially be the start of a downward spiral, no matter what happens their thoughts are being reinforced by the behaviour of their peers, and social groups.

They can start to feel alone in a world full of friends and family. This too begins a further downward spiral of depression and seclusion from the world and not just to social events.

Unless others around them notice these signs, they start to go unnoticed and not thought about. This can lead to a worst-case scenario of the person having suicidal thoughts, and possibly attempting to act out these thoughts. These can be done for one of two reasons, they are now that low and they no longer feel good enough or worth anything to be on Earth.

I feel that this can be due to the lack of knowledge in regard to the telltale signs of depression. If these signs are picked up early enough something can be done to start helping that person. An individual struggling with depression want someone whom they can trust and talk to , and not feel judged about their situation. Someone showing perseverance will start to build relationship with that individual and start to give the feeling of belonging again and that they are a part of the group.

It is true that people dealing with depression and isolation can reach out for help since there are charities and helplines. But more importantly, it is up to the loved ones to take the initiative. At a minimum, they can provide an environment where the individual can fully express themselves why they avoid socialising.

Needless to say. Dale Burden is a correspondent for Psychreg. He holds a dual honours degree in Psychology and Neuroscience from Keele University. Disclaimer: Psychreg is mainly for information purposes only.

Materials on this website are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on this website.

Read our full disclaimer here. Cite This. Dale Burden, , September 2. Psychreg on Mental Health Stories. In Depth. Manna Dey. Mental Illness or Ascension? For example, a change in your environment, like changing jobs or schools, can cause alienation. Work alienation occurs when a person feels estranged from what they produce in the workplace. This disconnection may cause dissatisfaction and a feeling of alienation from:.

As children grow, they may begin to distrust adults or the values they were raised with. Teens can often feel isolated from their parents, teachers, and peers. They may feel anxious about their social skills or physical appearance. Teens can even feel isolated from their own identity. This can happen as they discover themselves and think about their future.

Adolescent alienation is only considered a symptom if it accompanies other disorders, such as a phobia or a personality disorder. Parental alienation is a term that broadly describes negative, alienating behaviors displayed by a parent, like not being present. Parental alienation syndrome describes a psychiatric disorder in children, particularly in the context of divorce.

Rejection of a parent has multiple factors. These can include interactions from both parents and feelings of vulnerability from the child. This is not the same alienation that a child may feel toward a parent who is abusive, particularly if the child severs ties with that parent as an adult.

To treat alienation, the cause must be identified. People who experience psychological pain because of alienation may benefit from seeing a mental health professional. Gaining a feeling of empowerment may also help a person battle alienation. Psychologists help people cope with feelings of alienation by developing exercises or designing specific tasks to help the person become more engaged in society.

For example, by identifying the alienated individual's true feelings, the psychologist may suggest a volunteer activity or a job change to bring the individual into contact with society in a way that has meaning for him or her. Some have proposed treating the epidemic of alienation among America's young people by fostering social solutions rather than individual solutions. One such social solution is the idea of communitarianism, a movement begun early in the s by Amitai Etzioni, a sociology professor from George Washington University in Washington, D.

Etzioni became a popular speaker and writer in the mids with the publication of his book, The Spirit of Community. Etzioni advocates a return to community values to replace the rampant alienation of contemporary culture, education to reinforce shared societal morals focusing on family values, and strictly enforcing anti-crime measures.

This movement has met serious criticism, however; civil libertarian groups are concerned about communitarian beliefs that certain rights can and should be restricted for the good of the community. Guinness, Alma, ed. ABCs of the Human Mind.